Diablo 2 Workout
by Binkari
Summary: Get buff! Turn those buns of human flesh into buns of demonhide! *YAY* Chapter 3 Added
1. Part 1: The Basics

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Diablo 2 and its expansion are not mine. This is kinda like a strategy guide/fanfic worked together. *shrug* Enjoy!  
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Diablo 2 Workout  
  
  
  
By Binkari  
  
with help from Gotnks  
  
  
  
The Basics  
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1. Avoid toxins (and monsters with bad breath and gas problems)  
Not only does this tink away at your health, it also turns you into a nasty neon green. Like you just stepped out from a nuclear reactor. Eeeeeeew!  
  
2. Running  
Go on, shape those thighs by running! Eliminate flabby legs! Sure, you may have to haul ass to escape monsters, but running is also faster to get from point A to point B! Rocket propelled shoes help.  
  
  
3. Drink lots of fluids  
Being hydrated is one of the most important aspects of a workout. Replace that lost blood or used spirit with a healing or mana potion! They come in five flavors for your convienience: minor, light, regular, great, and super. On the run? Down a stamina potion and keep going! Caught in snowfall, no problem, the thawing potion will warm you right up! Can't wait for the healing to start, chug down a rejuvanation potion!  
  
4. Workout with the Big boys  
Nothing's worse than having workout buddies that just can't keep up with your super-cool tae bo or archery lessons! Choose ones that can take the heat! Andariel's great for beginners. Duriel's more of the yoga type, so he forces you to take it slow. Mephisto loves his arm circles! He does have asthma, though. Diablo is an expert on dog impressions and the body builder of the bunch...as you can see from his abs and his top-heavy appearance. Baal is more of the egotiscal one, since he always laughs at you if you can't keep up, and he spends a lot of time on leg stretches.  
  
5. Don't strain yourself  
To use your workout equipment correctly, you'll have to have good strength, but don't get too caught up in that! What's a spiffy maul if you can't hit anything? Plan your work out so you work on all the aspects and be a well-rounded athlete!  
  
6. Dress appropiately  
Some workout buddies tend to get a little rough, I mean, with swords and stuff, teach them safety and be safe yourself by donning appropiate equipment. Check that there is good insulation so that you don't get too cold, but make sure that there's good venilation so you don't get too hot! Rubber lining is great if you tend to workup some static while moving. A nifty gas mask can solve those icky gases you might inhale (like poison and persperation.).  
  
7. Concentrate  
It's better to be REALLY good at one thing than suck at everything! Don't do so much that you can only squeeze in about 5 minutes of each skill. Choose what you want to pursue, and follow that like a chicken in heat.   
  
8. Talk  
Get all the air out from your lungs (to make room for oxygen) by saying something. Some popular phrases include, "HELP!", "I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!", "Follow me", "This is for you", "Retreat!", "Are you going to eat that?", and "IT'S MINE! MINE YOU HEAR?! MIIIINNNNNNNNEEEE!"*  
  
*The execution of the last phrase takes much skill and should not be tried by less experienced athletes.  
  
9. Don't carry too much  
No one likes dragging around heavy items that take up a load of room on your body. Save room for other items that people might drop after their workout (or after they're pooped out). You never know when you might find something useful.  
  
10. Avoid death  
Everyone has their limits. Don't push it too hard. Pry yourself away from your workout and your buddies (even if they seem like they want to keep going). Not only do you leave an unsightly corpse, you're also left half naked and without money. Damn those workout buddies, they mugged you! So much for calling them buddies.  
  
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Got that down? Great, now onto the real workout! 


	2. Part 2: Workout Buddies, Act 1

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Diablo 2 and its expansion are not mine. This is kinda like a strategy guide/fanfic worked together. *shrug* Enjoy!  
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Diablo 2 Workout (Part 2: Suitable Workout Buddies, Act 1)  
  
  
  
  
By Binkari  
  
with a penguin from Gotnks  
  
  
  
  
Workout Buddies: Act 1  
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All right, you scrawny *bleep*. You think you're hot stuff huh? HUH?! Well, if you think you can handle all the monsters in this level, you're WRONG! Expect to be around level 12 before you are promoted, smart guy.   
  
Quill Rats/Thorn Beast/Razor Spin/Spike Fiend: The Quill rats are your basic whacking target. Fun to chase down, and quite tasty. Don't expect to get very good drops from these, but they're fascination with gold tends to cause them to drop shiny gold pieces. These little guys are also great for practicing Matrix-like dodging skills with their rather slow paced flying quills. Fwooosh.  
  
Zombie/Hungry Dead/The Stinky Man: Slow, cumbersome, knee-slappin' good fun. You could easily out-walk a horde of these (give or take the speedy ones. See what amazing results you get from a workout such as this?). Blunt objects are great for knocking them in half. Some have the skill to have their leg broken off after falling. All make retarded sounds for your workout enjoyment.  
  
Corrupted Rogue/Black Rogue: The prettier bunch of the Act 1 bestiary. Scantily clad, and donning a cap that looks very much like a nun's, these girlies are fully capable of arming themselves with axes, swords, spears, and bows. They can run very well, as you can see from their nice, if not pale, thighs. Quick movers, they be. They're social butterflies too, so if you want to workout with one, expect more.  
  
Fallen/Carvers/Devilkin: Small, colorful, and a great pleasure to whack. So they aren't the bravest of the bunch, but they do have a shaman that can revitalize his buddies (but not you, how rude). If you manage to knock one out with your spiffy moves, you send the rest of the pack running in fear. Of course, they do carry around sharp objects and the shaman thinks he's all that with his little flame-chucker. Show them who's boss. Remember: You don't get credit for working out with the same dudes over and over again.  
  
Skeleton/Returned: A bit faster and less meaty than the zombies, but nonetheless more challenging to workout with. Again, blunt objects like maces, mauls, and your grandma work like a charm.  
  
Moon Clan/Night Clan: Ooo the beefy sorts of the first Act. They carry around big weedwhackers and are a little clumsy, nearly chopping your head off everytime they take a swing at the...uh...grass. Be careful around these guys, they tend to play rough and if some of them gang up on you, well, have fun!  
  
Foul Crows/Blood Hawk/Nests: I've always liked little birdies, but not really these ones. They aren't really buddies, more like a nuisance. They do bleed a lot, so remember to carry around a sponge. I doubt they're doing anything clean in those nests of theirs, seeing as to how more alway keep popping up. Practicing your demolition skills on their pads.  
  
Mishappen/Disfigured/Tainted: Who let the dogs out?! Hell did. Anyways, these little devil puppies run about the gyms like mad. Take them out for a walk, but be careful, they bite. Hit it and they run away like little cowards before turning around. Ok, so maybe they don't look like dogs, more like apes.   
  
Arach: Your mother's nightmares come true. Many legged critters like this are always fun to do leg work with. Sure, they may get confused, but that's half the fun! Make sure that they don't pull a muscle or they'll run away blubbering like a baby and leaving a trail of stickyness behind them.   
  
Gargoyle Traps: More like drinking fountains gone wrong...  
  
  
Andariel: With the back of a spider, the legs of a cow, and the hair of those little troll dolls, you'll have to get past this buff demonness before I'll let you pass onto the next level. She's not really a lady, as she's not really elegant. She's smelly. Either she doesn't use deodarant (God forbid), or she has gass problems. I'm not sure. She's afraid of fire too. No smoking!  
  



	3. Part 3: Workout Buddies, Act 2

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Diablo 2 and its expansion are not mine. This is kinda like a strategy guide/fanfic worked together. *shrug* Enjoy!  
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Diablo 2 Workout (Part 2: Suitable Workout Buddies, Act 2)  
  
  
  
  
By Binkari  
  
  
  
  
  
Workout Buddies: Act 2  
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So, you got past Act 1, eh? I guarantee that you won't make it past these denizens of the desert! Mwaha!  
  
Sand Leaper/Cave Leaper/Tomb Lurker: These guys were obviously working on those hurdles. Or maybe they're just pole vaulters...without the poles. They love to get airborne, but poor things don't have wings and gravity is so cruel to them. These little guys make cute sounds when you smack them, too!  
  
Dung Solider/Death Beatle/Scarab/Steel Scarab/Bone Scarab: Oh yes, very annoying workout buddies indeed. Because of their exposed surfaces, they work up a lot of static electricity. Should they run into something (or should a chair accidentally come hurtling towards them), they release a good round of shocks. They're quick on their feet too, which is probably why they work up so much static. They also have an alternate use as a car battery! Use anti-static cling, boys!  
  
Sand Maggot/Rock Worm: Ah yes, the natives of Lut Ghoelin used to eat these little critters you know. But they got tired of being picked on and started on the D2 workout, now look! They're as buff as ever. Sure, they may regurgitate on you if they move around too much, but who can blame them?! They're constantly laying eggs and that can be rough on anyone's abdomen.  
  
Carrion Bird/Undead Scavenger/Hell Buzzard: You traditional Thanksgiving turkeys, with teeth! Vain little birds these are. Constantly wanting to keep their claws sharp and scratching on the walls, ground, or the local hero. They enjoy taking to the air, so trying to get them down will involve patience to get them down. However, fair is fair and they can't scratch you from up there. They can however, drop a little...uh...feces on you.  
  
Itches/Black Locusts: Insane little bugs that enjoy pestering you on the run. They vant to suck your blood!!!   
  
Huntress/Sabre Cat/Night Tiger/Hell Cat: Smarter group of the Act 2 level. These furry ladies hold a special place in my heart. If they didn't have such a belligerent attitude that it. These women work out A LOT and can dish out some pretty damaging wrestling moves if you tick them off.  
  
Dried Corpse/Decayed/Embalmed: A bit faster, and a bit smellier than the standard zombie. Just like any of the living dead (y'know, the ones that refuse to stay down even after they supposedly died?), blunt objects of the mace class work well. Which is why you probably shouldn't play baseball with them, or golf.  
  
Hollow One/Guardian/Unraveler/Horadrim Ancient: Big daddies of the mummy group. They can help their downed members up again and again. Expand your horizons and avoid working out with the same ones just like the Fallen ones. These big ones have one problem: They never brush their teeth! Can we say bad breath?  
  
Sand Raider/Marauder/Invader/Infidel/Assailant: Working out with 4 arms must be confusing! These guys turn red if they think you're better than them. They are quite hostile and will attack if you appear to be...fitter.   
  
Desert Wing/Fiend/Gloom Bat: Honestly, some lockers in the gym get really old. That's where these little guys live. No, we prefer not to bother them, they're not very threatening. Should they try to attack you whilst your working, a good hearty smack should be enough to make them fizzle.   
  
Tomb Viper/Claw Viper/Salamander/Pit Viper/Serpent Magus: So they aren't the best at running, but you won't be if you let them smack you with a cold. Toss them some nail clippers while you're at it. It's not safe to do push-ups with long nails!  
  
Blunderbore/Gorebelly: Big body, tiny head. Slow to catch on, so don't expect them to learn quickly.  
  
Lightning Spire: Lamp lights that have taken a wrong turn, apparently.  
  
Fire Towers: Excellent guardian structures...if they didn't attack the clients, that is.  
  
  
Duriel: A muscley maggot that always has a smile on his face. You may have gotten rid of Andariel, but this guy is no pushover. BRING IT ON!! 


End file.
